Chris

~*~

It's so strange how so many aspects from last year foreshadow and contrast with the current one.

I love. I love. I love.

These emotions aren't not as raw as in the past, but that doesn't diminish their purity.

~*~

Chris Beacham. Whitney Mayer. I love you both so much. You can't possibly understand.

For the part of me that still cares.

I definitely didn’t get Monroe Scholar, let alone Dean’s List, for last semester.

*shrug*

Eh. Whatev.

I’m really excited for the opportunities that await me.

I’m uber stoked about working with MANOS (Medical Aid Nicaragua: Outreach and Scholarship) throughout the upcoming years. This opportunity combines so many fields I’m interested in. No matter what, I’ll come out of it knowing so much more about Latin America, geography, Spanish, community health, Nicaraguan history and politics. Just in my brief interactions with the team, either through sitting in class or conversing over dinner, I'm impressed by the intense exuberance, eclectic talents, and dedication of each member. I’m really impressed with the work they managed to accomplish in such a short time, and  I can’t express how much enthusiasm this opportunity fosters within myself. Oh, Nicamor.

I can’t wait for being an RA. I’m really excited to help the young'ns around the school, and share my love for the campus and community I've grown to call home. Programming, interacting, serving, homework during duty hours. Money saved on housing going directly towards Nicaragua and future study abroad!. So stoked on life. You have no idea.

I’m glad about the friendships I’ve formed. Spontaneous camping trips ftw. Philosophical conversations into the night. Risk! Truffles, spinach dip, kiwi, and lotke. Hall council. Icelandic rock. Cultural showcases. Open mics. I-faith. Sharpe suckage and success. Early morning coffee and scones at the Daily Grind. Saying hello to twenty people on the journey from point A to point B. Sober adventures. Toasting with professors.  Matoaka.

I’m appreciative for every lesson in common sense. From the practical: how to remove a tick (for the record, don’t try to smother it with Vaseline. Just use tweezers), to how to do laundry, to the somewhat stupid.

On a different note, I’m really thankful that it’s summer. I’m glad to spend more time with family, and catching up with friends. I’m especially glad to be with my mom.

If anything, this break will definitely allow me more time to focus on who I am, and who I want to be. I want to define identity and be content with who that is. Also, I think I royally fucked up the relationship department. In a way, I think it was necessary. I never wanted to be able to understand this, empathy in this form. Him in this manner. All I can say is that the distance will help me.

Anyways, at the moment I’m drowning myself in music. <3

P.S. Alyssa, I’d still like to have lunch with you.

religion:

(forgive the redundancy. this was stream of conciousness. i wrote it on Thursday and intended to edit it, but i don't think i will.)

Since coming to college, I haven't really found a 'faith community'. Sure, I discuss religion and politics late into the night with people who surround me, but it's not the same.  I've attended Catholic masses, even though i don't agree with the tenets; I go because I believe that God is worthy of praise, and I appreciate the feelings that the music raises within me. There's something both powerful and soothing about people united in song.

I've dabbled in Universal Unitarianism, where the logic of their tenets, along with open and undiscriminating community, align with my personal paradigms. However, the services don't feed my soul.

Nature feeds me. I walk outside and gaze at the beauty of the light and branches, water and sky. hearing the rustle of life, listening to the call of birds. I stand in the rain, being drenched in a baptism more holy than my original one. i dunk my legs into the frigid waters of Matoaka, both feeling and numbing myself to sensation. i appreciate the sunrises, hearing the crunching of snow and leaves beneath my feet. i find amazement in everything. oranges. leaves. ice. complexity of simplicity. The sheer beauty in life gives me reason enough to believe that we are not an accident.

i believed in God.

i didn't believe in religion.

until today.

~*~

i hated religion because it's so political. it's so polarized. it's a mask with which people fight. people conquer. people miseducate.

but i learned something. I redefined religion. To me, Catholicism is not religion. some might consider it to be a religion, but i don't. Catholicism is dogma.

religion doesn't discriminate. religion is about love.

i went to an interfaith worship today, which focused on praying for Haiti. religion isn't about dogma. it shouldn't be about rules. it's about listening to the needs of others. helping whenever it is necessary. sharing our bonds.

and i know that people before me have said "religion is about love". hell, i probably said it at some point. but college is allowing me to understand, not just to 'know'. and i felt community. i felt a sense of universal belonging. i felt a deeper connection than i've ever felt in a catholic mass, or a Unitarian service. it felt more consuming than any solitary walk in the woods. i was surrounded by people who cared. yea, that guy that my hall council impeached. i stood beside my Ba'hai friend, with whom i did the triathalon. all these connections. even though there might exist tension outside the room, we just lived in the moment. we prayed. we sung. we were together. it didn't matter which creed we believed. we were united. and the united stance was not a creed. it was common humanity.

i heard the beauty of an Arab chant.

and spoken word poetry to the beat of a drum.

and piano. music. pure. non-dogmatic. so pure of heart.

this is what worship is about. it's about the relationships we build with others. it's not about what divides us. this is what religion should be.

"A great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire.

but after the fire came a gentle whisper..."

oh, how much better the world would be if we stopped preaching and started to listen...